“I spent years being told that drinking was the problem. And trust me, it was a HUGE problem. People said that I was an ‘angry/emotional drunk,’ that I couldn’t handle it, that I needed to stay away from it forever. Friends, therapists, programs, everyone framed it like this thing outside of me that I would have to fight or avoid forever. I went to AA, where the first thing you have to admit is that you are powerless to alcohol. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t my full truth. I wasn’t drinking because alcohol had power over me, I was drinking because I didn’t know how to sit with feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, or completely out of control in my own body. I have BPD, and when I split, I feel abandoned, misunderstood, emotionally flooded and my nervous system goes into chaos. I didn’t have the tools to regulate that, so I reached for the one thing that could quickly change how I felt. Alcohol wasn’t the root problem, it was how I coped with feeling completely out of control inside.

And the more I was told alcohol was the enemy, the more I leaned on it when I was in those states. Especially when I’d split or feel misunderstood, it was like my brain would say, ‘Fine, if no one gets it, at least this will take the edge off.’ It made the cycle worse.

What changed everything was realizing the real issue was my nervous system and how I processed emotions. Through therapy, I learned how to regulate, how to actually feel things without being consumed by them, and how to communicate instead of implode.

Now, I don’t have that same relationship with alcohol at all. I don’t reach for it when I’m upset. I don’t need it to escape anything. And when I do have a drink, it’s just that, a drink. I’m present, I’m calm, I’m fully myself. People actually enjoy being around me, and I enjoy being around myself. That version of me that used to come out when I drank? She’s just not there anymore, because I’m not suppressing anything underneath.”